Celtics Notes!

Allen Impersonator Detained, Guard Returns to Lineup

Prior to game 5 of the Celtics-Pistons Conference Champioship series, Ray Allen was freed from the basement of Pat “Sully” Sullivan of Quincy Massachusetts and finally, after several weeks in captivity, returned to the Celtics line up.

Sullivan, a 23 year old factory worker and graduate of Umass Dartmouth was charged with the kidnapping of the Celtics all-star after the police were tipped off by, according to Sullivan, “my buddy Murph who lives ovah in Southie. The guy had one too many Sam Summuhs and started talkin to the cops.”

It is assumed that Allen was kidnapped prior the first round playoff series between the Celtics and the Atlanta Hawks where the guard’s production suddenly disappeared.

The reason for this, according to police reports, was that the man wearing number 20 for the Celtics was not the former Connecticut Huskie Allen. Rather, it was Quincy resident  Michael “Cue Ball” Henderson.

Henderson, an African-American that has similar height, weight, and facial features as Allen was Sullivan’s partner in the kidnapping. Said Sullivan, “Yeah, Cue Ball. He’s my black friend. Looks just like the guy. Y’know. The one I kidnapped. Which one was that again?”

Sullivan continued, much to the dismay of the police. “Yeah, I can’t even remembah which guy it was. I don’t even watch the Celts! They weren’t even good til this yeahh. They’ll never be the Sox!”

Henderson was able to impersonate the Celtics guard largely due to the fact that Allen rarely speaks to the media and it, in all honesty, largely ignored in commercials in stuff behind fellow teammates Kevin Garnett and Paul Pierce.

Said Celtics Coach Doc Rivers, “What? Ray wasn’t here? Well, there was that guy that just kept shooting threes. Ray’s a streaky shooter, I think. Is he? Whatever, I was too busy trying to get playing time for Sam Cassell and just ignoring Eddie House on the bench. Who cares? I’m in the Finals! These guys make me look awesome!”

Announcers Desperately Attempt to Make Kendrick Perkins Cool

When Kendrick Perkins had his playoff breakout game during game five of the Celtics-Pistons Conference Finals, the announcers for the game, Mark Jackson, one of the Van Gundy’s and that old white guy, were desperate to claim to know who the hell he was.

“When that tall guy on the Celtics, you know, that one that’s not [Kevin] Garnett, got 15 rebounds in the first half, we were all dumbfounded,” said Jackson ‘I almost called him [Brian] Scalabrine.”

Rather than discuss the player who was having the game of his early career, such as which school he attended, his play earlier in the series, or say his name without looking in the media guide, the announcers resorted to fabricating a nickname  for Perkins: KP43.

“Yeah, [Andrei] Kirilenko on the Utah Jazz has that nick name AK-47, cause he’s number 47, and those are his initials,” said Van Gundy, “and the people in Boston and Detroit still think John Stockton and Karl Malone play for the Jazz, so, I don’t think anyone noticed.”

“I mean, we never heard of any one else on the Celtics roster outside of Garnett, [Paul] Pierce, and [Ray] Allen except for Rajon Rondo. But that’s only for when he scored like, 4 points in 3 minutes, we can say ‘woah, looks like Rondo’s making it the big four’ or something along those lines” said that white guy, they’re all inter changeable really.

The announcer attempted to keep the nickname alive even though everyone knew it was terrible as the announcers used it as a pet name for Perkins as if they were the first people to discover he was on the roster.

Said Perkins, “Is that a microphone? Wait, are you guys really interviewing me? This is the first time you’ve talked to me all year.”

NBA Commissioner David Stern Salivating Over Championship Series

Commissioner David Stern was seen screaming out of pure joy and partying with high school kids after the Boston Celtics defeated the Detroit Pistons in game six of the Conference Finals to join the Los Angeles Lakes in the NBA finals.

“Oh my god, finally! I got Celtics-Lakers, it’s like free ratings,” said Stern,” I swear to god, if the Spurs made the finals again, I would have strangled [Spurs player] Tim Duncan.”

Stern’s comments stemmed from the record-low ratings from last years NBA finals between the San Antonio Spurs and Cleveland Cavaliers.

“I mean, the Spurs are the most boring basketball players I’ve met in my life. They have no personality. That have that one guy that married Eva Longoria, and that guy that looks like a soccer player. That’s it!” Said Stern,” it was even a series against LeBron James, and we’ve been hyping him up for years. No one likes that team. I can say this because no one in San Antonio cares enough about the team. It’s Texas, they’re waiting for the NFL to start.”

The NBA finals start Thursday in Boston.